Dears,
It's all a little heartbreaking. Looking at my life choice in the eyes — knowing that when they look back at me, all they see is me falling in love with another. Cherishing them with all I have — yet itching to walk away on a different path. Feeling their arm wrapped around me at night, pulling me closer — all the while I'm pulling away like an old magnet trying to free itself from the fridge door.
Looking at my life choice in the eyes — knowing too well this is all going to end. Not because I wanted to, not because I did not try. But because shiny things rust under the rain. And if nobody shelters them nor polish them, they will inevitably crumble in tiny pieces — slowly but surely. I'm not saying it's their fault. I'm just saying, it happened — and there's no turning back.
You cannot revert rust — you can only learn the lesson for the next shiny things you encounter: keep it safe, shelter it from the rain, polish it from time to time. And if it's really precious to you: store it safely where it cannot be damaged — in your heart.
I'm only human. Fully human. I'm intense and my emotions run deep. But I don't feel sorry about it. This is me, this is how I experience life — to the fullest. It's both a blessing and an affliction. But I learned to live this way, and today — and tomorrow, and the day after that — I wish to stay true to myself. To my inner child. To all that I am. To all that I could be. To all that I will be.
I wish to take the path less traveled by — and yes, I know: it will be longer, and I will find immense sorrow on my way. But I also know, it will be all worth it in the end. For those views only a few get to witness — for this slice of exaltation that offers itself only to the braves.
Sure, it feels the same as rollercoasters — you know: when you reach the top, and then it just begins to slide down, and your heart remains in suspension for half a second. But doesn't it feel so exhilarating after the initial fear? I think it does.
So here I am, devastated by a love that ends — marveling at a love that begins. Don't get me wrong, it's not about trading the one for the other. The timing is uncanny I'd recon, yet there's no event correlation. I'm just terrible at time management. I should have walked away maybe seven years ago, or give it a chance and leave five years ago, or every year since then. But I didn't — and that's on me.
Life went on too quickly, my mind was too clouded, and I couldn't handle the amount of lemons I was receiving. I'm an expert procrastinator. But I don't want to be anymore. I don't want to miss chances. Opportunities. I don't want to close doors. Timelines.
And if it fails, and if I fall — I guess I'll just look back and giggle. Woopsie.
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.