Dear,
I miss you. This is what life used to feel like, before I knew you. But ten times worst, knowing you exist somewhere.
I fear I can never tell you. All those things I want to say to you.
Standard beings don’t understand the depth of me. The depth of my thoughts, of my soul. It scares them. Trust me, it scares me too, at times.
Unfortunately I have been so far unable to vet you — are you ‘standard’ or enlightened? Knowing this would help me tremendously in navigating all this. I have the feeling you’re more of a standard being. And I mean absolutely no offense by that. I believe it’s a gift. Ignorance is bliss. Because once we step on the other side, delve into the depths of the essence of our world and ourselves — then there’s no coming back. And it’s not all pretty and shiny and sweet.
But if you are, then I must remain quiet. I must hide away all these parts of me. All the feelings that run so deep in my magical bottomless rain puddle. All the pain I cumulated on my journey, all the scars I collected in my very own cursed stickers’ album.
But also… All the mental images of you I collected, and the ones of us I created in my mind. All the words I made your voice speak to me, all those you never said.
I must keep it all quiet. My love for you, that’s the hardest. This storm rages within, fully out of my control. There is nothing I could ever do to fight this one feeling: love. I must hide my longing, my craving. Make sure you never see my heartbreaks, all those I made myself go through. Make sure you especially don’t see this one, my heartbreak for you. My madness, insanity. That would reveal all of it.
So I’ll quietly walk away, make sure I don’t make a noise. No fuss. I’ll erase myself, that I learnt how to do very well. If I can’t make you smile, then I am worthless.
But know that I’ll always be there. For you. Anytime. Patiently waiting. I meant what I said, you have my word.
Until next time, love — when your heart will want so…