My fingers leave a blazing trail on my phone keyboard, pages and pages of notes, words of love and words of lust — and words of hurt.
All these words I cannot share with the world — especially not with you. All my thoughts, all my feelings. Bottled up, tied down, muffed.
It’s not that I do not want to share them — more like they couldn’t be received, for what they truly are. They couldn’t be understood.
So I share them to the only world I trust — the one within me. I can receive them, and I can understand them. I can keep them safe — and with that, keep my heart safe.
It’s not that I do not trust — more like I cannot anymore. I learned my lessons, too often the hard way. All the pain, the internal bleeding. I’m not putting myself out for this ever again.
I will just assume if someone wants in, they will knock on my door. I won’t be standing there holding it wide open for everyone to storm in. I should not, I cannot.
If you care, you know where to find me. If you ask kindly, maybe I’ll share some of it with you. But I need to know I can trust you first. Trust you to keep my heart safe.
I know that’s a lot to ask — that’s why I don’t.
In the meantime, I’ll keep loving you the only appropriate way I can: in silence.
Missing you, every minute of every hour.
Loneliness felt less lonely before knowing you.