Monsieur,
You quiet my mind. Keep it busy, but yet quiet. Not many people can do that. It’s sort of a precious gift. It doesn’t happen often, the quiet. If ever. But with you it’s just there. Always, all of the time.
Sure, yes, I’m looping on you. But while I do, I’m not looping on anything else. On the thousand things that usually gravitate my mind. Everything stays still, orbiting around you. The safety of you. The madness of you. All of you. You, you, you. Morning to night. Happy mood, shitty mood. Only you, you, you.
It’s grounding. Just as much as it’s uprooting. You’re all and none. Nothing yet everything. All of the things. Me, and you, you, you. The only thing that matters.
It’s not even your smell — you strangely don’t carry one around. It’s not even your touch — I’m deprived of it most of the time. But the thought of you, the anticipation of you, the reminiscing of you.
Funny how life is. Truly. Slightly fucked up, sure, but funny. Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. A wise man said so. So much wiser than me. People consider me wise, but only I know the truth. I’m not. I’m unhinged. Broken, lost — but found. By you.
Don’t look too deep, don’t get swallowed by my bottomless pit. But praise me, enjoy me — the good of me. There’s some, I’ll give it all to you. I’ll keep the rest for myself, you don’t need to know. Not that you’d get afraid, likely you wouldn’t. But I’m not taking any risk. Not anymore.
Unveiling is the most dangerous thing I can do. Life taught me my lessons, and for once, I learned them. So I’ll just undress. Show you my eyes, my skin, my flesh suit — but never my heart, never my soul. It’s not that I don’t want to. But I can’t. Trust me.
If it’s just fleeting, as it is, then let’s keep it that way. Surface level enough. I know last time you surrendered a secret to me, a part of your darkness. And I didn’t reciprocate, I won’t. Not even the slightest. Nothing about my past addiction, nothing about my obsessions. You don’t need to know. Let’s say that me protecting you.
You might hear echos of my personality, through some friends. And you might start putting puzzle pieces together. But you’ll never know. Me. You’ll never know me. You simply don’t need to.
Me surrendering this to you would be confessing. That I love you. And I don’t. I mean I do, but not like that. Not in the forbidden way. Trust me, it requires a lot of conscious efforts. But I need to. To protect you. To protect myself first and foremost.
Falling for you is easy. Oh, so easy. But I taught my brain to control my heart. I’m in control. Full control. Or am I? Does it matter?
Be waiting for you. Your text. Your attention. Your love, maybe?
Close your eyes and I’ll kiss you — tomorrow I’ll miss you.